Song for a Friend

I should try to know myself a little bit more.

I mean, I know myself, but not enough, and I know that if I wake up sad one morning, I will feel sad until my mind decides I'm not anymore. 

I woke sad this morning. I don't know why. And I woke up tired. Really tired. And more and more than that when I realize that today was another day of scanning music sheets for our two next concerts !

I missed my train, and so, obviously, the day was becoming a shitty day.

I stopped on my way to the office to buy my lunch. In the queue, I was after a strange man, around 60-65. He decided, this morning, to be angry against the entire world, just because there were two opened checkouts, and because there were two women before him. He said that we were not in a supermarket but in an asylum and that it was because of the mafia... Honestly, I didn't understand his speech, I was listening to some music... But I saw the cashier... She was trying to stay serious... Anyway, a nice way to begin a terrible day, isn't it ?

I arrived at the office 5 minutes later, turned on the computer, and then, first phone call from a musician who was asking when he will have his music sheets, "you can download it from the website" "yes, but no, because it's too much, and I don't have the time, can you bring it at the rehearsal please ?" ... (this phone call is a BIG summary of the 1000 phone calls we have when there is a concert !)

I wanted to answer "And you know the time I can waste by answering to those phone calls ? You all received an email with the instructions !!!!" - I didn't say that !

One hour later, I was hesitating : scan or bind ? ... I choose bind...

And one hour and 15 music sheets later, problem : no more binding... Thank God, it was lunch time, and so to ask to the girls "do you some office stationary because there are no more binding and so I need to order some ..." . Answer was "no, I need nothing". I needed a solution, the solution was going to the shop... So, after lunch, I took a short break to go to buy some. Before leaving, Marie came to me asking me if I can scan other music sheet for a musician who was supposed to come later. I said, maybe later. 

Back to the office with my binding, same hesitation : scan or bind ? I choose scan. 

At this moment, Marie needed to make some copies, she saw I was scanning some Wagner's stuff and asked me, again, if I could scan the cello ones, the one for later, the important one... (me : horrible face, horrible and tired voice) ... "well, one more scan, what does it change, give it to me !" She was feeling that I didn't want to make it at all. She made her copies and went back to her desk. Because it was more scans, I was thinking that she will come back to me with the music sheets, I was wrong, she was waiting for me...15 minutes later, she came back angry. I was exhausted by last week and this week and the scans, I followed, she gave me everything and said that she was hoping I was more cooperative, bla bla, bla. We had a little fight. Going back to the machine, I was sooooo angry. 

I made her scans and gave her back everything. At this moment, she was busy with other musicians who were coming for music sheets. Things were better, like we didn't fight. I think she realized that I was really tired and that even if I was grumpy, I would have done it. 

Later, I closed the Wagner file. All the scans are done, and she thanked me. It was nice. At this moment, Adeline came in because she needed to say different things to Marie (Marie and I are sharing the same room), and we talked about the music sheets, the internet/emails problems... Marie was saying that I did all the scans and that it will help us a lot, she suggested to leave me some notes about who takes what and when, and Adeline said, laughing "attention, I think Flore is gonna die". I appreciate those words. They know I worked a lot those days, and that, yes, I will help everytime, but that I needed a little minute to rest...

I go back to the office tomorrow, and then, week-end ! I'm so happy !!

Why should I try to know myself a little bit more ? Because since my first day at the Orchestre Lamoureux, it's my second fight with a co-worker because of tiredness. I need to find a solution to stay cool, even when I'm extremely tired !

Song for a Friend - by Jason Mraz

I was listening to that song in the train, back home, and it reminds me one of my tweets...

"You have to be there for your friends but your friends are not here for you. 

Maybe they are not my friends."

My first concert, all by myself was Josh's one on December 12th. I was so proud of me, I invited all my friends, hoping to share that moment with them. Plus, it was free, they had no excuses. 

None of them came. They finally all had an excuse, "It's a Sunday night..." blah blah blah.

It was awfull, and hurtful to see that. Since that day, I'm wondering who are my real friends...

Next gig will be iMMa's one on Feb 24th... And you know what, I'm pretty sure that they will have excuses to not come. 

I'm so angry ! I'm always here for them, and visibly, it's too much to ask them to come and support me one night !

I was thinking about this friend problem those days, and maybe this is why I was sad this morning. Only one solution, coming here, and write those words to you, because I know, that you, my dear readers you are here, supporting me, helping me. And I think that, day after day, you know me better than my friends. Thank you.