Nothingman

FYI : this post is about me and my problems.

This post may be long, sad, selfish, whatever. You may think that sometimes I overreact. But, whatever. 

I really feel bad those days, and maybe that by writing these bad stuff down will help me to feel better tomorrow.

This post is about everything except the bad news that's killing me since yesterday.

2011 was supposed to be a good year... But, I think it won't be. 

I began so well : I got a job, not the best but not the worst too, not always easy and funny, but, a great job with a great team. I finally got my driving licence after so many years of fights against my fear and the fact that yes I was able to fail. I created my own company, don't win money with yet, but I did it, and it helped me to book several gigs. 

And then, after few months, everything fell. 

Nothingman is a song about relationships, those with bad ends. 

The guys from Pearl Jam said "the idea is about if you love someone and they love you, don't fuck up...cuz you are left with less than nothing."

This is how I feel right now, and wonder what did I do to screw up ...

1. Let's talk about... family.

I have two brothers and a sister, I'm the third one with a little brother. Maybe not the best siblings, but they are mine.

I always had strange relationships with them because we all have strong temper, we are all stubborn. In fact, we're mixing all the french bad tempers. So, you can be sure that if we are all together, there is at least one fight/week.

Ok, there are less now since my big brother and sister both move to the other side of the world. But, still.

Now I have the feeling I'm losing my little brother. Like he was tired of seeing me everyday. We used to be closed before, and now, I only have a "hi" when he comes back home. It's rare now when we have real moments together... It hurts.

About my mum and dad.
Well. I know that they are sad for me. I mean, I'm 25, still at home with them, no job, single. They want me to have my own life. If only they knew how much I would have mine too.
They always told me that  was free to get the job I want. Only condition : diploma.
I graduate high school and college. I found a job. Lost a job. Created my own company. The only thing I don't know is if they are proud of me or not...

I have a small family. No aunts, uncles or cousins from my Mum cuz she's only child. But she always told us that her aunts, uncles and cousins were ours too. This is why we are so sad about my GA and GU. From my Dad, even if he has three sisters and a brother, I only have a two aunts and a cousin (and my uncle, of course, the one who married my aunt, the father of my cousin)
One aunt and my uncle chose to separate from the rest of the family. I hope we will never be like that with my siblings !

I love my family. I really do. But, I don't know how to have better relationships with them.

2. Let's talk about friends. 

How many true friends do I have ? You know, the kind of friend who can do everything for you ? Well... I guess I can say zero because I never saw them at my gigs... I invite them all the time, some of them decline, some of them promise to come, some don't answer. Results : they never come. I invited them for the next one, they all declined ! Thank you people !

I'm always here for them, listening to their problems, trying to help them to feel better, and me ? Nothing. What is it to come at a free gig ???!!!

I already lived that in Junior High. I wanted only one thing, leaving and growing up, and never live that again. Fail.

Do you think I can change them ? I mean, exchange them ... Or, how can  do to make them understand that's really important for me to have the feeling that they can be there for me too. I ask one gig ! Only one !

Everytime I hope to see them, and everytime it's the same : nobody.
Shall I add my artists/coworkers in this section ? Well... No.

3. Let's talk about just artists and co-workers. 

Since ever, I'm the one who can't say no. And, so, I think that since ever I'm a sucker. I think that people were coming to see me because they knew I will say yes. And, this is why I wonder if I have real friends or not.

In Junior High (before wanting to leave and grow up), I wanted to be cool. So, I was with the cool ones. Fail. In High School, I was tired to be a sucker, so I was spending a lot of time alone, or with the losers, or with people who were not in my class (so, finally, people of my age who were like me). After graduation, I was free, far away from High School and the years I hated. It was school.

I was student in a small school. Two very good friends. One left, never knew why. She never came for the dinner I was organizing for my 20th birthday. Excuse : Versailles is too far away, I need to buy a train ticket... Thank you ! Love you too !
I've never been able to find where I belong.

I left Versailles and Paris for Lyon during a year. And this is where I met true friends. And this is how I started to work with Ilo. Cuz she went with me at the TIME event, cuz together we met our artists. Cuz she comes to the gigs, even if she's not working on it.

And you know what, sometimes I wonder why my artists said ok. Why did they chose me ? I mean, I still have a lot of things to learn, I need to meet so many people before being someone.
They are here. Saying thank you all the time, even if the interview comes from the smallest local webzine ever ! They disappear. Break my heart.

Sometimes I wonder where is the reality in those relationships. Who's honest, who's not ?
I lost an artist once. It broke my heart, and I'm still suffering. Now I may lose another one, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how I will be after the break-up.

4. Guys. 

I'm terribly shy. Yes I am. Never knew why, and still don't know how to fight against it. I'm always scared to go to the others. It was hard with kids in the beginning, and one day, everything became so much easier. I was good with them.

With the others, well, I can write, I can chat, but talk is harder. Write, I do it all the time, and because of that, I lost 2 wonderful guys.

So, I write and chat, don't talk, so, of course, I'm probably the worst GF on Earth ! Let me count, 5 BF and 2 flirts. (winning ?)

Honestly, I don't really know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm afraid of opening myself to the others. Or... I'm always thinking about the wrong guy, and so, it's that's the reason, so I can confirm the old philosophy class about desire : You desire something/somebody, when you finally get it, you're not interesting anymore. I felt that with one of my ex.

Edouard stood in my mind during 5 years, maybe more. And, I think that in the deepest of my heart, I'm still in love with him. I won't act like this with him if I was not anymore. During all those years with him in my mind, it was impossible to think about my BF and only BF. I finally tried to turn the page after he broke my heart 5 or 10 000 times (yes, I know...). After him, I met my ghost. And played with my ghost. Flirted with my ghost, texted him maybe too much. And when he told me that we will never date because it was too complicated blablabla, it almost killed me.

I tried to forget him during many months, and finally dated another guy. Unfortunately for him, I left for my BAFA session where I met incredible people, especially one guy who was amazing. This guy had a girlfriend at this moment and I learn few days after the session that he broke up. When I went back home, it was impossible for me to stay with my BF. But it was also impossible for me to date the other one. Fail.

There's always another guy.

I was finally happy with my last ex. No other guys in my mind, just him. Just the fear of the unknown. And, he dumped me. WTF ?

No more BF since. Just flirts in Lyon. And A Joker's Rage. Crush for one of them. Other artists, other crushes. But, the voice in my head telling me that I should not. 

I'm 25 and single in a city where the girls get married around 21. At 25 they already have 3 kids. Me, no. Single, and probably the worst GF in the world. Sometimes, when I see all those couples around me, all those weddings, I wonder if one day I'll find one too. A guy, strong enough to live with me, tolerate my stupid temper, my stubbornness, and and and. 

I think that one of these old relationships and/or ghost really broke my heart, and now, I just want to keep the feelings for me and myself, I'm afraid of telling what I feel because I don't want another failure. 

5. Conclusion.

I didn't talk about those people I consider as enemy. And I won't. 

In conclusion, I just want to say that my social life sucks. 

Because I have no job, I stay at home all day long trying to book gigs for unknown bands. All day long, I try to find ideas that may seduce people. 

Everyday I want to believe in the fact that one day I will be able to live thanks to my company. Everyday I want to believe that I will be happy. 

But right now, I look at my social life, my failures, and my break-ups, and feel like some of them left me with less than nothing.